I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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