Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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