i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
