Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
