this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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