What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
