you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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