...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
