I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
