i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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