I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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