Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
