Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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