It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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