You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
