Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
