I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
