I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
