While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
