is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize