right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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