Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Bring me that man meat
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
