How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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