I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
