im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
