someone threw a dead crab at me
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
