I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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