yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
