My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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