I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
