My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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