Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
