Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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