i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
