ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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