my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I would fuck him just for his dog
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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