I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize