dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
