I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
