Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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