Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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