Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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