Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
