I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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