Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
