My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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