I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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