I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
