Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize