I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
