i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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