I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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