I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
