May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
