i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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